nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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