sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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