So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
