just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
