So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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