Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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