Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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