How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
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We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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