I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
