you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
