For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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