We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
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You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
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Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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