i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
