Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
