Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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