Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
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So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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