I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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