The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
