There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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