can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
