you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
