just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
