Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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