omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
