Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
