I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
