I intend to get homeless drunk
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
