it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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