So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
