I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Randomize
