Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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