ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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