I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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