I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
this will be a night to untag.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
