Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
