if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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