The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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