Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
