I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
