I got chris browned last night
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
