If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
