Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
