i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
