you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
