Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
