I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
