someone owes me an orgasm
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
