I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
if only i could text you this smell
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
