I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
