I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
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I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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