I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
