Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
